Sharing the Load

I have started and trashed this blog post several times. I find myself asking, what is holding me back from making my voice heard?

Is it my insecurities?

What will they think of me? Does what I have to say even matter?

Is it my critical view of my writing?

Does what I write reflect my heart? Am I being clear?

Regardless of my hesitance, I have been feeling God’s nudge. More like an incessant push. With a bag of Dove Dark Chocolates leftover from the Splendid Retreat, I have been nibbling devouring my way through the bag this last week. I am a stress eater. I know. The stress level has been through the roof lately. More on that later.

Now, these are the chocolates with the cute sayings inside the wrapper. The same two kept appearing.

Give them something to talk about. What are you waiting for?

Duly noted.

After attending the Splendid Retreat last week, something stuck with me. Well, many somethings, but this one has been swirling in my head for a week, and it has had me deep in thought. Anna LeBaron Davenport spoke during one session, sharing her story of escaping from a polygamist cult and becoming a fierce Christian who is a Jesus girl through and through. She asked us to write down our biggest burdens. The things that seem impossible. The things we are afraid to say to another person or even out loud. It felt so vulnerable to put it on paper. Someone might see my dark spots that make me feel like an ugly person at times.

After putting those burdens on paper, we placed them in Anna’s bible. Giving them up to God. God can carry the heaviest of burdens. There is nothing too big or too small. It felt so freeing in the moment to be relieved of those burdens, even if for a moment. The next day, Anna gave us our burdens back. But not in the way we gave them to God. They were now shredded, mixed up with the burdens of our Splendid Sisters, sharing the load. We would be able to help carry each others burdens. And somehow, all shredded up, those burdens felt lighter.

Fast forward a week. A lot has happened. Life. Kids and their challenges. Hearing words like hospice and “keeping her comfortable” for a third grandparent in a year marked by loss, health concerns, and pain. Self inflicted challenges in the form of a degree that I sometimes question myself on. And those big things I heard from God last weekend,  doubting or wondering if they were really for me… discernment is tough. Some insecurities and self doubt invaded a space that was, briefly, free of the strain. My pain is not big enough to share. They won’t care. I am not important enough. I am not enough.

In the words of Jen Hatmaker:

Horse. Crappery.

Those feelings of insecurity and self doubt are exactly what the enemy wants. God wants me to give up my burdens to him. He will not only share the load, but He will take it away completely. I also need to trust that my burdens are worth sharing. I need to keep giving my burdens to God. Over and over again. Until they are no longer burdens. Then, give him the new ones, because as humans, we always feel burden.